Yup

I know everyone doubts themselves from time to time but this semester has been pretty hard (last semester was too so this isn't too surprising). However it's been difficult in a multitude of ways. My roommate and I had a huge argument after my family came to visit (which by the way, was wonderful). She flipped out on me about something stupid. I was really hurt because I made a big effort to have a good relationship with her and she basically shit on me. It was a week before a big exam and I bombed it. I bombed the exam the week after in a class I thought I nailed. Goodbye 4.0. One of my professors even expressed his disappointment. That really hurt. Then Roxy got really sick while I was home for spring break. She has hemolytic anemia which is a disease that destroys her own blood cells. She is better, but on a lot of medication and there's no way to know what caused it or if it will come back.

I can't figure out how to get a firm grasp on things sometimes. It seems like my world is just swirling around me and I can't actually do anything about it. I got messed up because I made friends who wanted to study together. I ended up doing really poorly because of it. I can't seem to recover or think about recovering without getting this awful drowning feeling. My roommate has made it so that I am not even comfortable being in my room with the door shut. I say yes to too many people because I can't figure out how to say no without feeling like a jerk...hence my generosity gets taken advantage of at the expense of all of my own precious time. I had this feeling while working too. I fell behind on assignments because I didn't feel like I knew how to dive right in and get to it. I know what needs to be done but can't seem to get it applied. How do other people do it? If I just knew what their thought process was I could dive right in.

I don't want to just be special/marketable/hired because I'm a female, I really want to be number one in everything I do but I can't seem to compete with those around me. I know those cliches... but I just hate it. I am dating the smartest person I know. I hate it. I hate that he doesn't let his emotions control him, which is why he is the best. I hate not being the best. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I can't figure out how to be the best. I need to figure out how to be on my A game all the time and it feels impossible! I hate not having control of my world.